Hope Is Emo

I just took an Ambien tonight, so in a bit everythings gonna start getting all weird. Things move and whisper to me and it sometimes scares the crap outta me, but usually its the only way I can sleep now. Insomnia suxx.

What decayed?
Shattered fragments
of my wretched past
fall upon the floor.
Broken shards
of cold glass,
once clear image
fading fast.
What once was
in my mirror
is no more.
Through struggle,
I've lost myself.
Life fades.
-Rachel

This is a poem that I wrote when I was locked up in a psychiatric hospital for cutting. I don't know if I really like it much or not, but then I never think to highly of the things that I do, and this poem really expresses how I felt while I was in there and how I still feel a lot of the time.

My father, little brother, and my dad's girlfriend and her kid all went up to this one guy's wedding in Omaha today. My dad was pissed at me becuase I refused to go, but the fact of the matter is, I hate weddings. It's just so sad to see two people having the happiest moment of thier lives when you know that most of thier happiness will run out soon enough and the marrige will take a downhill spiral ending in divorce, for that happens all to often for so many people. SO many broken families through abuse and divorce created first back when the people in that marrige said "I do." Happiness is only temporary, and I guess what I hate most about weddings is that the people all put the common knowledge of the horrors of relationships behind themselves and celebrate "the beginning of thier journey together" which will most likely lead to sadness and sufferings. I don't know how many marrages actually are good and last, but in my "good Christian family" (which i am the black sheep of by the way because of the way I am and that I do not believe in god for which they all disapprove) there are only two marrages that I can think of that have been without abuse and divorce; one uncle on my mother's side and one aunt on my father's side, and there are at least 500 people that I know of in my family. All the rest of the marrages are filled with abuse and many are divorced and remarried and have many children from other marrages or others have many bastard children from countless relationships with people that they can't remember. Human relationships are confusing to me and i dont understand how they function together, so I try to observe people in hopes that I will get it, but I don't and so I really hate watching marrages. Dad and his girlfriend dont understand that and they won't listen to what I have to say becuase dad says that many things that I have an opinion about or say upsets his girlfriend, so I am unheard and possibly in trouble. Well, it sucks.